Friday, July 30, 2010

My Affair with 'Camille'

In the recent past,'house lizards' have become the bane of my existence. A couple of months back there was one crawling on the floor next to my bed, with a certain sense of belonging which irked me immensely.If i can respect their space and have not taken to crawling on walls in extreme frustration , heat or as adventure...why should they be taking a leisurely stroll around my room!
I shared my angst with my friends , and my very quirky friends(who display their extreme affection and sense of bonding by excavating dreadful memories , long buried in the mental archives)reminded me, that i have always had an affinity to these cold blooded creatures.They succeeded in bringing back the horrors of the most bizarre experience of my Life!!
It was one of those days in college, when my friends threatened me with dire consequences,(not getting my breakfast for me in the morning,sharing their notes etc)if i bunked the scheduled lecture.True to ourselves , we arrived late to find the lecture room full.The back benchers as a result were left with no option but to occupy the front steps.Five minutes into the class i felt something crawling up my leg( flared trousers were in fashion and i was unfortunately, trendy).I brushed away the crawling object and made some cheesy remark like "something electrifying went up my legs' to a friend sitting next to me.Our professor , distraught by our front row presence and distracted by the shuffling, told us to pay attention or leave.We were practicing 'reverse psychology' those days so we stayed put..
After the lecture and lunch i retired to pursue, what i till date like doing best, Sleep!!!I felt a little uncomfortable , not surprising since we were in the habit of partaking enormous amount of food(anorexia was unfashionable in the 70's )which led to tight clothing become tighter,so i decided to unbutton my jeans.As soon as i unzipped... A head of a 'Chameleon' popped out !!!!!!! What i went through cannot be put into words only imagine the most earth shattering 'SCREAM'!!'Camille' the prot'agoni'st of this affair , also reeling in shock and going through its own emotional trauma lay inert on the floor..
I stripped off my trousers and started running around the room..My two roommates screamed even louder and then froze..In my frenzy i made an exit from the room and started running in the corridor of my hostel.One of my friends, with a certain presence of mind , or rather propriety chased me like a matador with a counterpane.
So here i was running in all my immodest glory, with my friend trying in vain to cover me with a bedcover..Hearing all the commotion ,our chowkidar ( one of the two males in our all girls hostel)made an entry.My rather petite , docile friend suddenly took the form of a champion wrestler, lunged forward , wrapped me in the bedspread and pinned me down..Meanwhile the hostel warden came down , fearing a catfight in progress she tried to seperate us in complete vain( my all of 35kg friends' sole purpose in life by then had become to protect my outraged modesty).Mercifully my 'frozen with terror' friend and the only other witness , thawed out enough to narrate the incident..
My asphyxiated self was finally extricated from the confines of the bedcover and the determined weight of my friend..
The hostel quack , doused me in savlon and put me under sedation..I alternated between hysteria and sedation for the next few days..Life slowly crawled (UGHHHHH) back to normal..A lot of , 'unmentionable' jokes (at mine and Camilles expense) did the rounds for several months...
PS... I know the readers will have a lot of questions to ask me , believe me i dont have the answers!!!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Dead Man Talking

Today morning at 8am,when my father came to deliver the morning newspaper (his own passive and devious way to check whether i am awake or not),i was concerned to see the somber expression on his face.With great gravity he informed me that one of my ex students rather young father had expired.
I went into instant mourning...My three yrs old cherubic face with twinkling eyes, his mothers ever smiling countenance,the very quiet persona of the deceased played like a black and white flashback of a tragic hindi film.Tears welled up in my eyes at this untimely departure of the sole breadwinner of the family.With a very heavy heart i dressed(i noticed later that my grief stricken being, subconciously had pulled out a white attire from the closet),unable to eat my breakfast i went up to the school.After my morning rounds,in an emotionally devastated state i called up the widow.A male voice answered, on politely inquiring about the identity, i got the second shock of the morning...It was the 'Dead Man Talking'!!!I hastily put down the phone and quickly reflected over the events of the morning.It did not take me very long to figure out that my father had done it again!!In the past one year this is the third time that he had done away with perfectly healthy,still in their prime ,very alive people..
A few months back he had informed me that a very dear family friends'son (a childhood friend of mine)had expired.Deeply saddened,i asked him if he had called.I was told that the fathers phone was not answering and he would try again.Later that evening, he sheepishly stated that the 'dead son ' had picked up the phone to announce his 'alive 'fathers death !!
I am now much wiser and have decided that any news being delivered with my morning newspaper needs to be crosschecked,for that is the time father is without his hearing aid and in a slightly mentally dormant state as he wakes up at 4.30am..My word of advice to all those who love me and receive the news of my 'expiry' from my father before 9am in the morning, please call me and react only after i have confirmed the news!!!!